I have a dog that marks the furniture if you leave him alone for two seconds, and by alone I mean you turned your back to pick something up off the floor, or god forbid need to use the bathroom. The same aforementioned dog can also get out of a locked cage, without busting through the bars while actually leaving the door closed and padlocked. As if aliens hovered over the house in their UFO, beamed him up for tests (which would explain a lot since I always thought he was a little off) and then beamed him back down, but their GPS got stuck and they beamed him back a little outside of the cage instead of in the cage. How he manages this I don't know, but it happened more than once, so either he is Houdini reincarnated, which seems a waste of Houdini’s talents if that is true, or I should worry that Steven Spielberg has been filming his new movie in my house when I am not home.
On a side note believe it or not while searching online for a new alien proof cage, I found a site that actually deals with what they call cages for “Houdini Dogs”, I swear I am not making that up, look it up yourself when you have a few minutes and nothing to do. It`s worth the laugh, and if anything it at least made me feel like I was not alone, then again I already felt that way when I thought aliens were beaming him out of his cage, just in a different more terrifying way. Anyway, the same dog who by the way is black and weighs over 125 pounds, seems to think he may be invisible to humans. So, if you are in the room with him and get up to walk towards the backdoor, he will jump and bark at you in circles, sometimes jumping ahead of you onto a piece of furniture so that he can leap in front of you as you walk by, just to be sure you know he is there and would like to go out. Of course this method tends to not work for him when he knocks you over in midstride and you break some important bone you need in order to make it to the door, but he seems oblivious to this particular weakness in his plan.
Besides thinking he becomes invisible to the naked eye like he is wearing Harry Potter’s cloak, he also thinks that when humans sleep at night you somehow forget he exists by morning. This causes him to panic that he will never be walked or fed again. So, exactly one tenth of a second after my alarm goes off in the morning, and I know it is one tenth because I actually used a stop watch to time it once, and we will leave the fact that I obviously have too much time on my hands out of this for now, he begins to bark from his cage loudly and continuously. The cage by the way is now padlocked with my son’s industrial strength bike lock, which so far the aliens have not figured out, so as you can imagine that is a big relief.
Needless to say, I don’t even get a chance to pee. I have to run to his cage and let him out before he wakes everyone else up in the house. I then have to stand by the back door in my pajamas and do the pee-pee dance, hoping beyond hope he is quick this morning since I am a woman who has had two kids, and holding in pee is not an easy thing to do anymore, since some things aren’t as, how shall I put this nicely, elasticized as they used to be. Like a rubber band my ass, I haven’t sneezed without peeing on myself in 17 years. Remind me to find that gynecologist and smack the shit out of him.
Anyway, sorry I digressed. This same dog also thinks that any noise coming from my bedroom indicates that the night is over and it is time to bark for his morning pee. So, if my nose is stuffed, or I have a cold and I wake up in the middle of the night to cough or need some nose spray, which unfortunately happens often as I am hopelessly addicted to it, I have to slowly and quietly close my bedroom door, then grab a pillow and cover my face with it and as gently as possible cough and or squeeze my nose spray so he doesn’t hear me. Sometimes this works, sometimes it doesn’t. If it doesn’t, I am up now up at 3am, walking the dog to shut him up. Wish you were me yet? No, keep reading then.
I have a cat who uses his litter box to poop but sometimes can't seem to find it when he needs to pee, but can apparently find counter tops, table tops, and spots on the kitchen floor without the help of bifocals. Both of the aforementioned animals above also have fleas that apparently have never read the side of the box of the Advantix, because they continue to have a party on my cat and dog, sometimes even laughing at us with party hats on their heads, as we put the medicine on.
I have an oil burner that was purchased around the time
I have a deck that has been slowly falling apart over the years, which as of today no longer has any railings around it at all, and a fence around my property that is falling apart in different places, some pickets from age, some from some violent storms we have had, and some I think are doing it just to taunt me.
I can only afford to pay my lawn guy twice a month instead of weekly, so now at night (because my son doesn't want the neighborhood watching him doing this, not that I can blame him), my son goes out there and using pruning shears to cut the tall grass before it starts to look like a scene from Little House on the Prairie.
I have no car. I share my daughter's car, and what an experience that is. When you allow your kid’s to use something of yours, they are all over it and take it over as if it is their own, and look at you cross eyed when you remind them that it is YOURS and they should treat it as such. But wow, when the shoe is on the other foot, and they have something that you need to borrow, suddenly it is all about making sure you know IT IS THEIR`s and they are only letting you use it out of the kindness of their hearts. You better not change the seat, mirrors or radio stations, even if that means, you have to lean down until your head is in your rib cage to check the side mirrors when changing lanes. (My daughter and I are 1 foot apart in height)
My son, who's DNA has been found to match that of Bigfoots, goes through his sneakers about every two months, what he does to tear through them so quickly I will never know, and honestly am afraid to find out. That in and of itself wouldn't be that bad, except for the fact that he is a size 15, which isn't sold at the cheapy stores like Payless. No, I have to order from Reebok or Nike themselves, which means $100.00 minimum per pair, four times a year. He is damn lucky the sex was worth it to make him; the marriage on the other hand is another story!
I have a first ex husband who thinks having a child means have sex and hope someone else does all the work and a second estranged husband who disappeared over 2 years ago, who in a haze of drug abuse, lost himself and destroyed us and our family in the process. He hasn’t worked in years, doesn't pay child support and thinks the world owes him something.
My washer and dryer were broken years ago by my aforementioned missing second husband, whose idea of trying to fix it at the time meant taking all the parts out and leaving them strewn across my basement floor. So I wash everything by hand in the bathtub. My vacuum broke a few weeks ago, and since my property taxes went up again I am stretched thin, so instead of buying one with money I don't have, I use industrial strength packing tape on my hands and knees to clean the carpet, thank god we have wood floors in most of the rooms.
Oh, did I mention my kitchen ceiling is now leaking and almost ready to come down in some spots? So the money I was slowly saving to put the front fence back in so my dog can run around in the backyard without getting out, although that seems pointless since he can manage to get out of a locked cage, will now have to pay to patch the ceiling instead.
On top of this my daughter needs $200 dollars in December to apply for graduation from her college. Now I know I quit High School and academically I am probably not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but am I the only one who is wondering why I have to pay to graduate college? Haven't I been doing that this whole time with tuition and books and extras? Hasn’t she been earning that by attending, studying and getting good grades? Now I have to pay $200.00 or all of that goes out the window and she doesn't graduate? WTF?
On top of the ridiculous pay to graduate fee that is due, it will be $200.00 for her yearbook, and another $400.00 for her senior picture package, something of course I can bitch to high heaven about in here, but we all know I will pay, because no one wants their kid to be the only one who didn't get what all the others got. Parent Peer pressure is a bitch. That is all on top of the $325.00 I paid last year for yet another class ring. I bought my son’s High School class ring this year at the low sale price of $425.00 (thank you to my husband for passing on his abnormally large size 13 finger genes, (although in another essay, I will explain why I never complained about that trait on him, but that’s a story for another time entirely....and for those using their imaginations, yes it is what you are thinking of!)
My son will also need his senior class photos, which we bought for my daughter when she was graduating High School, so of course he must have them to, those are $500.00 for the ultimate package with clothes changes, different backgrounds, and you can even bring in props. My son better be ready for me to hand him his trusty light saber, because if I’m paying $500.00, he is taking a graduation picture in his Jedi robes, light saber and all! Then of course there will be the Junior Prom this year, and after that I am sure they will find many other ways to suck every last penny out of my hand before it even gets into my hand. My paychecks are spent so quickly, I haven't touched my own money in so long I don't even remember what it looks like anymore.
Oh, wait, did I mention my daughter suffers from Lupus, Lupus Nephritis, Fibromyalgia, Anti-Phospholipid Antibody Syndrome, Raynaud`s, Vasculitis and Sjogren`s? Knew I forgot something. By the way want to have some fun with Microsoft Word spell check? Try putting those diseases in any article, they not only come up spelled wrong, but Microsoft doesn't even have some of them in their dictionary, guess I should tell my daughter they don’t exist! These lovely autoimmune diseases choose any inopportune moment to strike and cause my daughter scores of hospital visits, chemotherapy treatments and more. They can always be counted upon to throw a monkey wrench into our already interesting lives when we least expect it.
My second husband the disappearing magician, is off living with some woman who apparently doesn’t mind paying for him since he applied for welfare recently and had the nerve to take me to court and try to get spousal support from me. That was a joke and a colossal waste of tax payer money since he obviously didn’t get anything from me, I have nothing to give, and would quit before I handed over the few dollars I have. He doesn’t even pay child support and the court thought, " let's bring them in for a hearing anyway on whether the good law abiding citizen who works two jobs and struggles alone to take care of two kids, should give the law breaker, the 15 times arrested drug addict, who is on 3 years probation, who left his family with all the bills and pays no support a chance to tell us why she should pay him some money". WTF is all I have to say to that one.
So what was my reason for this post you ask? No, it wasn’t to depress you all, at least I think it wasn't. Hopefully, it was to make you close your computer screen, after reading it of course and say to yourself, "shit at least I don’t have it that bad." Glad I could be of service.
I have done my part to uplift the community around me, so now I’m off to take cold shower, go to bed in a blanket I washed by hand and get up at the crack of dawn to go to work in clothes I have had for over three years. Have a good night! You know for some fun on my part perhaps I will put this whole post as an ad in the personals on craigslist, I would love to see the responses I will get. I’ll be sure to post them as they come in! After all, I might as well get a good laugh at my own expense, what else do I have left? Besides it’s free, which is good, since that is about all I could afford! It is amazing I haven't committed myself by now, although honestly the only reason I haven't is because I don't think they would let me bring my life-size Han Solo in Carbonite cardboard cutout with me, and what point is there of living without that?
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