Webophobia

No, it is not a word, I made it up, but its cute and I like it, and it fits the point of my blog today, so live with it. My girlfriend is afraid of the Internet. Now I promised her I wouldn’t use her real name here, (you know the whole change the name to protect the innocent or in this case the weird), and when I asked her what name she wanted to go by she couldn’t decide. So, I teased her and explained how there are websites that allow you to put your name in and they come back with what your Porn name would be, or your Bond girl name etc. etc. So, I went to the porn name generator site put her name in and she will now forever be known as (at least in my blogs anyway), Kinky Hymen, and no I did not make that up, that is what the Porn Star Name Generator gave her.

I digressed. Kinky is afraid of the Internet, almost a phobia really. When I asked her why she wouldn’t get a facebook and join the rest of the world on social media networking sites she said the following: “I don’t give a rats ass that my sisters, cousins, nephews, best friend had a smelly fart; I’m not that interested. Why would I want to hear about someone else’s life on a daily basis, I don’t even want to know about my life on a daily basis.”

Classy I know, hence the reason her name is Kinky. After taking a few minutes to point out to her that her quote sounded very close to a scene in Spaceballs which I then had to recite for her, we moved on to the Internet in general. She went on to tell me that when she had purchased her first computer she went into a chat room, which she insisted after I interrupted her to ask, was not a sex type chat room, but since her name is Kinky I somehow doubt that. After a few minutes of being in the so-called non-sex related chat room, someone instant messaged her. It totally freaked her out. She said it felt like some stranger was in her living room with her. I told her she must have been smoking something funny again like the time she watched the Fox TV special about how the whole moon landing was a hoax and she was so totally enraptured with the idea and convinced that NASA was a bunch of bullshit artists that for months afterwards she could not be convinced otherwise.

She of course denied this accusation about as convincingly as she did when she tried to deny she was high for the moon landing show. I teased her about this relentlessly as any good friend would, and am now immortalizing her paranoid fear of the Internet on the Internet. I love irony. I tried to explain that although you may be talking to someone in London, they aren’t actually in your room watching you from a peephole in your computer, but she was sticking to her guns. Her paranoia overflowed to the point where I was wondering if she thought that when she signed on to the internet, strange web beings would suddenly come to her door to take her away to their home planet or something, or perhaps like the pillow tag police they come and hunt you down for various internet offences. Did you ever notice I talk about the pillow tag police a lot, I think I need to examine my obsession with pillows.

So anyway, I am slowly but surely introducing her to the wonderful world of the Internet and all its fabulous and addictive uses. I have convinced her to get a facebook and twitter for her business, but she still wont get one for herself personally. I think she is afraid that once her name gets out there into the wonderful World Wide Web, the Internet demons that lurk in your computer will spread evil rumors about her and defame the good name of Kinky Hymen. I, of course being the great friend that I am told her I could take care of that for them, by writing this blog.

So, day-by-day I am easing her into the Internet. She did get a kick out of the immensely useful Porn Name Generator site, and she did enjoy YouTube and the ever useful and endlessly disgusting two girls one cup. But, I have a feeling I will never be able to fully bring her over to the darkside of Internet addiction. No problem though, at least that way she wont be able to read all the stories I will write about her on this site. Maybe next time I will wax poetic about the time we went to Salem together, that was quite an adventure. In the meantime, Help her Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re her only hope.

P.S. In case you were wondering I put my name into the Porn Name Generator as well. Now, since I have several names due to the fact that I have been married twice, have my maiden name and have used several variations of my first and middle name throughout the years, I was given several choices. I have my favorite, but lets see which one you like.

Lex Diggler
Lana Cream
Kara Jizz
Sassy Spankadocious