No, it is not a word, I made it up, but its cute and I like it, and it fits the point of my blog today, so live with it. My girlfriend is afraid of the Internet. Now I promised her I wouldn’t use her real name here, (you know the whole change the name to protect the innocent or in this case the weird), and when I asked her what name she wanted to go by she couldn’t decide. So, I teased her and explained how there are websites that allow you to put your name in and they come back with what your Porn name would be, or your Bond girl name etc. etc. So, I went to the porn name generator site put her name in and she will now forever be known as (at least in my blogs anyway), Kinky Hymen, and no I did not make that up, that is what the Porn Star Name Generator gave her.
I digressed. Kinky is afraid of the Internet, almost a phobia really. When I asked her why she wouldn’t get a facebook and join the rest of the world on social media networking sites she said the following: “I don’t give a rats ass that my sisters, cousins, nephews, best friend had a smelly fart; I’m not that interested. Why would I want to hear about someone else’s life on a daily basis, I don’t even want to know about my life on a daily basis.”
Classy I know, hence the reason her name is Kinky. After taking a few minutes to point out to her that her quote sounded very close to a scene in Spaceballs which I then had to recite for her, we moved on to the Internet in general. She went on to tell me that when she had purchased her first computer she went into a chat room, which she insisted after I interrupted her to ask, was not a sex type chat room, but since her name is Kinky I somehow doubt that. After a few minutes of being in the so-called non-sex related chat room, someone instant messaged her. It totally freaked her out. She said it felt like some stranger was in her living room with her. I told her she must have been smoking something funny again like the time she watched the Fox TV special about how the whole moon landing was a hoax and she was so totally enraptured with the idea and convinced that NASA was a bunch of bullshit artists that for months afterwards she could not be convinced otherwise.
She of course denied this accusation about as convincingly as she did when she tried to deny she was high for the moon landing show. I teased her about this relentlessly as any good friend would, and am now immortalizing her paranoid fear of the Internet on the Internet. I love irony. I tried to explain that although you may be talking to someone in London, they aren’t actually in your room watching you from a peephole in your computer, but she was sticking to her guns. Her paranoia overflowed to the point where I was wondering if she thought that when she signed on to the internet, strange web beings would suddenly come to her door to take her away to their home planet or something, or perhaps like the pillow tag police they come and hunt you down for various internet offences. Did you ever notice I talk about the pillow tag police a lot, I think I need to examine my obsession with pillows.
So anyway, I am slowly but surely introducing her to the wonderful world of the Internet and all its fabulous and addictive uses. I have convinced her to get a facebook and twitter for her business, but she still wont get one for herself personally. I think she is afraid that once her name gets out there into the wonderful World Wide Web, the Internet demons that lurk in your computer will spread evil rumors about her and defame the good name of Kinky Hymen. I, of course being the great friend that I am told her I could take care of that for them, by writing this blog.
So, day-by-day I am easing her into the Internet. She did get a kick out of the immensely useful Porn Name Generator site, and she did enjoy YouTube and the ever useful and endlessly disgusting two girls one cup. But, I have a feeling I will never be able to fully bring her over to the darkside of Internet addiction. No problem though, at least that way she wont be able to read all the stories I will write about her on this site. Maybe next time I will wax poetic about the time we went to Salem together, that was quite an adventure. In the meantime, Help her Obi-Wan Kenobi, you’re her only hope.
P.S. In case you were wondering I put my name into the Porn Name Generator as well. Now, since I have several names due to the fact that I have been married twice, have my maiden name and have used several variations of my first and middle name throughout the years, I was given several choices. I have my favorite, but lets see which one you like.
Lex Diggler
Lana Cream
Kara Jizz
Sassy Spankadocious
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Remedial Husband Classes
I have decided to start a new class for men about being the kind of husband that won’t drive your wife crazy. After all, when we are not going crazy because of you, we are sweet and attentive, we don’t get “on your back” about doing things, and we actually want to spend time with you, imagine that! So really the husband is the one who wins out in the end if he would just learn and implement some basic tools. Honestly, read on, I’m not asking for much here.
Lesson #1 – In the bathroom, there is this thing that is called a toilet paper holder. It is usually situated beside or across from the toilet bowl itself. This device is not self-filling. It cannot grow arms and go under the sink take out the next role of toilet tissue and put it on all by itself. It actually needs your help. Although I have heard that Apple is actually working on an app for this, so you never know. Anyway, if you are the one that uses the last piece of toilet paper, you open the cabinet, take out a new role, (now here comes the tricky part, at least for my last husband anyway, since he never seemed to get farther than this and then would lay it on the sink for the next person) rip off the paper, take the old roll off, throw it out, slide on the new roll and put it back on the holder. That’s it, you’re all done, and amazingly here is the best part, you have just stopped your wife from having to yell at you for the 498,235 time about not replacing the roll of toilet paper, which is after all what you husbands always say you want, peace and no “nagging”. Now, wasn’t that easy!!
Lesson #2 – Occasionally you may notice that your underwear, socks, belt, maybe even your shoes are missing, or worse yet hanging from the tree in the back yard. There is a reason for this. It is not a Poltergeist, nor has there been a tornado. It was your wife. I am now going to give you the secret to avoiding this potentially embarrassing scenario, (and yes, it could be embarrassing especially if the only tree you have to hang underwear on is in your front yard). PICK UP YOUR STUFF!! Wow, I bet you didn’t know that it would be that easy. You must be so relieved to find out just how simple it is to avoid this problem. I mean, who would have thought that you could avoid not only yet again being “nagged “ by your wife, but that you would also be contributing to the aesthetic feel of your home, and avoiding your neighbor coming by wondering how your underwear ended up in his yard!
Lesson #3 – Nowadays technology has made life for everyone a little easier, and so it is as well for men. Guys, you no longer have an excuse for forgetting things like your wife’s birthday, your anniversary, Mother’s Day!! With cell phones, palm pilots, blackberries and more, you could potentially have these dates stored in several different places and devices, so there is no longer a viable excuse as to why you not only didn’t remember, but didn’t buy anything either. So in this lesson, I will teach you how to avoid one of the biggest mistakes men make, and one of the biggest fights a couple can have. Remember her birthday!! Christmas, and Valentine’s Day are easy, between everyone talking about them, and all the stores decorating for them, you know they are coming, but her birthday isn’t a National event (although I think mine should be) so you need to remember on your own. So pick up your blackberry, your phone, and your palm pilot, and start entering in reminders. Three weeks before the date, two weeks before the date, one week before the date, four days before the date, etc. etc, I think you get the point. If you want to claim you just have bad memories that’s fine, I’ll let you have that (I don’t believe it, but I’ll let you have it) but with these devices now you have no excuse. So when the reminder bell goes off, go buy a gift and give it to her. Leave it on her pillow in the morning, surprise her, (believe me I would be so surprised I might not be able to awake from the shock) and you’ll be very pleasantly surprised to see a very warm, and gracious woman waiting for you at the door when you come home that night.
Lesson #4 – OK, this is the last lesson for today, not the last lesson I will ever give, (so stop jumping up for joy, boys) but the last lesson for today. Now this is specifically for husbands who are also fathers. Women sort of understand, (although they are not thrilled about this I assure you), that they are responsible for a much larger percent of the child care, house care and overall daily lives of the family. Now, in some respects I don’t mind this at all; I love my children too much to make them spend too much time alone with their father; however there are times when the husband could help out, a little, just a touch…ok once in a blue moon?
Here’s a scenario. Your wife is sick, she has been in bed for three days and finally has enough energy to get up and go take a shower. As she saunters out of the bedroom, still delirious from fever, she finds you in the living room, sitting in your underwear, playing video games with the children. Ok fine, at least you are keeping them occupied and spending quality time with them, but what you apparently don’t notice, and your poor sick wife does, is the pile of dirty clothes on the living room floor, the remains of something the dog ate laying on the couch, the children are still in their pajamas, and it is 2:30 in the afternoon, the shades have not been opened, the sink is full of dishes, the garbage is literally crawling out the door on its own, and you look like you have not been groomed since the late 80`s.
Now, for some reason, here is my favorite part! when your wife starts yelling, you seem surprised! Come on now, I know you know the place is a mess, and I know you know that your wife would never keep it that way if you were sick, so why act surprised. Here` s a secret between you and me, that surprise thing just makes her even more mad than she was when she opened the back door to let the garbage escape on its own. If you’re in charge, be in charge. I’m not asking you to clean the way your wife does, you cant, you’re a husband and not genetically able to its not your fault, but come on, you know you don’t have to be that bad. So, the next time this scenario pops into your life, hopefully you will clean the house, dress the kids, maybe stop the dog from eating your wedding album, and shave once in awhile, before you sit down to play video games with your children. You will once again be amazed at how nice your wife will be to you and how you will be rewarded in the end. Amazing, if you had only known before that you could actually stop your wife from yelling at you by doing these simple things, you could have had a peaceful marriage years ago!!
P.S. – Please guys don’t send me hate mail telling me I am a female chauvinist or, that I am selling you all too short. This is a humor column, although not all of it is said in jest (ok, ok, I know, I know I can’t help myself), please take it in the spirit it was written. Gentle jibes and humorous anecdotes are all that get me through the day, I have been married twice, 18 years between my two marriages, so cut me a little slack!!
Lesson #1 – In the bathroom, there is this thing that is called a toilet paper holder. It is usually situated beside or across from the toilet bowl itself. This device is not self-filling. It cannot grow arms and go under the sink take out the next role of toilet tissue and put it on all by itself. It actually needs your help. Although I have heard that Apple is actually working on an app for this, so you never know. Anyway, if you are the one that uses the last piece of toilet paper, you open the cabinet, take out a new role, (now here comes the tricky part, at least for my last husband anyway, since he never seemed to get farther than this and then would lay it on the sink for the next person) rip off the paper, take the old roll off, throw it out, slide on the new roll and put it back on the holder. That’s it, you’re all done, and amazingly here is the best part, you have just stopped your wife from having to yell at you for the 498,235 time about not replacing the roll of toilet paper, which is after all what you husbands always say you want, peace and no “nagging”. Now, wasn’t that easy!!
Lesson #2 – Occasionally you may notice that your underwear, socks, belt, maybe even your shoes are missing, or worse yet hanging from the tree in the back yard. There is a reason for this. It is not a Poltergeist, nor has there been a tornado. It was your wife. I am now going to give you the secret to avoiding this potentially embarrassing scenario, (and yes, it could be embarrassing especially if the only tree you have to hang underwear on is in your front yard). PICK UP YOUR STUFF!! Wow, I bet you didn’t know that it would be that easy. You must be so relieved to find out just how simple it is to avoid this problem. I mean, who would have thought that you could avoid not only yet again being “nagged “ by your wife, but that you would also be contributing to the aesthetic feel of your home, and avoiding your neighbor coming by wondering how your underwear ended up in his yard!
Lesson #3 – Nowadays technology has made life for everyone a little easier, and so it is as well for men. Guys, you no longer have an excuse for forgetting things like your wife’s birthday, your anniversary, Mother’s Day!! With cell phones, palm pilots, blackberries and more, you could potentially have these dates stored in several different places and devices, so there is no longer a viable excuse as to why you not only didn’t remember, but didn’t buy anything either. So in this lesson, I will teach you how to avoid one of the biggest mistakes men make, and one of the biggest fights a couple can have. Remember her birthday!! Christmas, and Valentine’s Day are easy, between everyone talking about them, and all the stores decorating for them, you know they are coming, but her birthday isn’t a National event (although I think mine should be) so you need to remember on your own. So pick up your blackberry, your phone, and your palm pilot, and start entering in reminders. Three weeks before the date, two weeks before the date, one week before the date, four days before the date, etc. etc, I think you get the point. If you want to claim you just have bad memories that’s fine, I’ll let you have that (I don’t believe it, but I’ll let you have it) but with these devices now you have no excuse. So when the reminder bell goes off, go buy a gift and give it to her. Leave it on her pillow in the morning, surprise her, (believe me I would be so surprised I might not be able to awake from the shock) and you’ll be very pleasantly surprised to see a very warm, and gracious woman waiting for you at the door when you come home that night.
Lesson #4 – OK, this is the last lesson for today, not the last lesson I will ever give, (so stop jumping up for joy, boys) but the last lesson for today. Now this is specifically for husbands who are also fathers. Women sort of understand, (although they are not thrilled about this I assure you), that they are responsible for a much larger percent of the child care, house care and overall daily lives of the family. Now, in some respects I don’t mind this at all; I love my children too much to make them spend too much time alone with their father; however there are times when the husband could help out, a little, just a touch…ok once in a blue moon?
Here’s a scenario. Your wife is sick, she has been in bed for three days and finally has enough energy to get up and go take a shower. As she saunters out of the bedroom, still delirious from fever, she finds you in the living room, sitting in your underwear, playing video games with the children. Ok fine, at least you are keeping them occupied and spending quality time with them, but what you apparently don’t notice, and your poor sick wife does, is the pile of dirty clothes on the living room floor, the remains of something the dog ate laying on the couch, the children are still in their pajamas, and it is 2:30 in the afternoon, the shades have not been opened, the sink is full of dishes, the garbage is literally crawling out the door on its own, and you look like you have not been groomed since the late 80`s.
Now, for some reason, here is my favorite part! when your wife starts yelling, you seem surprised! Come on now, I know you know the place is a mess, and I know you know that your wife would never keep it that way if you were sick, so why act surprised. Here` s a secret between you and me, that surprise thing just makes her even more mad than she was when she opened the back door to let the garbage escape on its own. If you’re in charge, be in charge. I’m not asking you to clean the way your wife does, you cant, you’re a husband and not genetically able to its not your fault, but come on, you know you don’t have to be that bad. So, the next time this scenario pops into your life, hopefully you will clean the house, dress the kids, maybe stop the dog from eating your wedding album, and shave once in awhile, before you sit down to play video games with your children. You will once again be amazed at how nice your wife will be to you and how you will be rewarded in the end. Amazing, if you had only known before that you could actually stop your wife from yelling at you by doing these simple things, you could have had a peaceful marriage years ago!!
P.S. – Please guys don’t send me hate mail telling me I am a female chauvinist or, that I am selling you all too short. This is a humor column, although not all of it is said in jest (ok, ok, I know, I know I can’t help myself), please take it in the spirit it was written. Gentle jibes and humorous anecdotes are all that get me through the day, I have been married twice, 18 years between my two marriages, so cut me a little slack!!
Friday, March 11, 2011
Irish Withdrawal
So I am going through Irish withdrawal. What’s that you ask? Well let me explain. First of all, the most obvious point, I am Irish. Being Irish means many things, including drinking heavily, experiencing hangovers that could rival that of an atomic bomb going off in your head, a knack for starting fist fights, and lets be honest here, almost always for no reason what so ever, having a quick and sometimes nasty temper.
I have all of the above traits, however with my second husband now gone I have noticed a peculiar thing. I haven’t had my “Irish up” in quite sometime. Actually I cant even remember the last time I yelled at someone it has been that long. I am too calm, too at peace lately, it’s actually bordering on frightening. I don’t think I have ever been on such an even keel in my life.
I used to hate people that said, their head hits the pillow and whammo they are out like a light. I have had insomnia since I was 11 years old, never in my life has my head hit anything and whammo been out like a light. Except of course when I was drunk, but we`re not counting that for the purposes of this story.
Now, literally my head hits the pillow and I am out like a light and I don’t wake up until my alarm goes off. It is the best feeling in the world. So, like I said above, I am experiencing Irish withdrawal. Nothing seems to phase me, I don’t yell, and have nothing to get agitated about, which believe me is saying a lot since I have two teenagers living with me.
Here’s the weirdest part; I think I like it. I find myself singing in the car on the way home with a smile on my face. I find myself humming and smiling for no apparent reason; it’s a little scary. My friends think I must be smoking a little too much of the happy weed, but I keep telling them, “No, I am high on the peace”, and it’s a great high.
Of course I still have my dark moments that have made me the sullen, cynical person my friends have grown to love, at least I hope they do, but lately that only seems to come out of me when discussing politics, religion or my favorite subject in the world men and marriage. Otherwise I have apparently turned into my father, who has been notoriously known for years in my family as the most irritatingly calm person in the world.
Just to give you an example; when I was 16 I found myself pregnant and to make a long story short, I didn’t tell my parents. I hid the whole pregnancy until the morning I was in labor and literally about an hour away from giving birth right there in my parent’s living room (I will have to tell you that story at another time, its enjoyable I assure you, of course it wasn’t enjoyable at the time for me).
Anyway, when I called my mother into the bathroom to tell her I knew why I wasn’t feeling well, I told her I was pregnant and in labor. She ran to get my father in hysterics. As my father followed my mom back to the bathroom he looked at me sitting there with my fists clenched around the towel rack in immense pain as yet another contraction hit and said, “ Ok get dressed and we will get in the car and go to the hospital”. I think my mother was having heart palpitations that to this day she hasn’t gotten under control, and my father looked like he was ordering Tea and biscuits at some British hotel. As everything was transpiring that morning, in the chaos that was my daughter’s birth, my father called my sister at her job to let her know what was going on.
To this day my sister tells people the story of being at the store she worked at when her manager came over to her to tell her that her father was on the phone. She panicked immediately because my father only uses a phone for emergencies and even then he seems afraid of it, like Freddy Krueger’s tongue will come out of it and lick him. He is not a phone call kind of guy. So panicked and afraid my sister got on the phone to hear the following from my father, “ Hi honey, its Dad. Just wanted to let you know that your sister is having a baby and they are putting her in the ambulance now. If you can get out of the store, meet us there, Bye”. He literally hung up the phone and that was it. My sister sat stunned on the other end of the phone, as co-workers that saw her face rushed to bring her a chair and some water before she fainted dead away. That is my father.
Sometimes I think you could murder someone in front of him, and he would say something like, “ Ok, well you murdered someone, that really isn’t a nice thing to do, but what’s done is done.” I have always been told over the years that I have my mother’s temper, which she inherited from my grandfather. But lately, post second marriage I seem to be slipping a little more closely into my father’s scarily calm and even keeled world.
So for the moment I will enjoy it while it lasts, I think I’ve earned it after the hell of the last five years of my life. But, somehow I have the feeling it wont last forever, that Irish blood will begin to boil up sooner or later, and to whoever is the unlucky recipient of that moment, let me take a moment now to apologize in advance.
I have all of the above traits, however with my second husband now gone I have noticed a peculiar thing. I haven’t had my “Irish up” in quite sometime. Actually I cant even remember the last time I yelled at someone it has been that long. I am too calm, too at peace lately, it’s actually bordering on frightening. I don’t think I have ever been on such an even keel in my life.
I used to hate people that said, their head hits the pillow and whammo they are out like a light. I have had insomnia since I was 11 years old, never in my life has my head hit anything and whammo been out like a light. Except of course when I was drunk, but we`re not counting that for the purposes of this story.
Now, literally my head hits the pillow and I am out like a light and I don’t wake up until my alarm goes off. It is the best feeling in the world. So, like I said above, I am experiencing Irish withdrawal. Nothing seems to phase me, I don’t yell, and have nothing to get agitated about, which believe me is saying a lot since I have two teenagers living with me.
Here’s the weirdest part; I think I like it. I find myself singing in the car on the way home with a smile on my face. I find myself humming and smiling for no apparent reason; it’s a little scary. My friends think I must be smoking a little too much of the happy weed, but I keep telling them, “No, I am high on the peace”, and it’s a great high.
Of course I still have my dark moments that have made me the sullen, cynical person my friends have grown to love, at least I hope they do, but lately that only seems to come out of me when discussing politics, religion or my favorite subject in the world men and marriage. Otherwise I have apparently turned into my father, who has been notoriously known for years in my family as the most irritatingly calm person in the world.
Just to give you an example; when I was 16 I found myself pregnant and to make a long story short, I didn’t tell my parents. I hid the whole pregnancy until the morning I was in labor and literally about an hour away from giving birth right there in my parent’s living room (I will have to tell you that story at another time, its enjoyable I assure you, of course it wasn’t enjoyable at the time for me).
Anyway, when I called my mother into the bathroom to tell her I knew why I wasn’t feeling well, I told her I was pregnant and in labor. She ran to get my father in hysterics. As my father followed my mom back to the bathroom he looked at me sitting there with my fists clenched around the towel rack in immense pain as yet another contraction hit and said, “ Ok get dressed and we will get in the car and go to the hospital”. I think my mother was having heart palpitations that to this day she hasn’t gotten under control, and my father looked like he was ordering Tea and biscuits at some British hotel. As everything was transpiring that morning, in the chaos that was my daughter’s birth, my father called my sister at her job to let her know what was going on.
To this day my sister tells people the story of being at the store she worked at when her manager came over to her to tell her that her father was on the phone. She panicked immediately because my father only uses a phone for emergencies and even then he seems afraid of it, like Freddy Krueger’s tongue will come out of it and lick him. He is not a phone call kind of guy. So panicked and afraid my sister got on the phone to hear the following from my father, “ Hi honey, its Dad. Just wanted to let you know that your sister is having a baby and they are putting her in the ambulance now. If you can get out of the store, meet us there, Bye”. He literally hung up the phone and that was it. My sister sat stunned on the other end of the phone, as co-workers that saw her face rushed to bring her a chair and some water before she fainted dead away. That is my father.
Sometimes I think you could murder someone in front of him, and he would say something like, “ Ok, well you murdered someone, that really isn’t a nice thing to do, but what’s done is done.” I have always been told over the years that I have my mother’s temper, which she inherited from my grandfather. But lately, post second marriage I seem to be slipping a little more closely into my father’s scarily calm and even keeled world.
So for the moment I will enjoy it while it lasts, I think I’ve earned it after the hell of the last five years of my life. But, somehow I have the feeling it wont last forever, that Irish blood will begin to boil up sooner or later, and to whoever is the unlucky recipient of that moment, let me take a moment now to apologize in advance.
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